How the Supervillain Stole Christmas Read online

  How the Supervillain Stole Christmas

  By Charles Payseur

  Rex Devious (Dr. Devious to meddlesome do-gooders everywhere) can go toe-to-toe with superheroes without blinking an eye. So picking out a Christmas present for his new boyfriend should be no problem. After all, he and Sanjay seem perfect for each other. But with a terrible track record for finding gifts that won’t scare his potential partners away, Rex is paralyzed with insecurity. Until, of course, he decides to change tactics. Instead of having to pick out that perfect present, why not just destroy Christmas altogether? If his nemeses (or his conscience) can’t stop him first, he might just become the supervillain who stole Christmas.

  Table of Contents

  Blurb

  Text

  About the Author

  By Charles Payseur

  Visit Dreamspinner Press

  Copyright

  REX’S FOOT tapped as he waited for the server to bring out their meal. Across from him, Sanjay gave a nervous smile.

  “So this is where you… live?” Sanjay asked, casually sweeping around the massive room with his hand.

  “What? Oh, yes,” Rex said, still scanning for the server. “And really, it normally doesn’t take so long. It’s just that they’re not used to cooking for anyone but me, and—”

  “It’s fine,” Sanj said, “really. I’m not used to being waited on. Do you always eat here?”

  “When work doesn’t take me away,” Rex said. “It’s just cozy, don’t you think?”

  “Cozy… yeah…,” Sanj said. “Definitely an amazing view. You’re sure that it’s safe?”

  “Completely,” Rex said, and he finally caught sight of the server zipping out from the kitchen. “Ah, finally. Now, you’ll have to tell me if they’ve done a decent job. I remember you said that you liked catfish, and I’ve been trying to teach the kitchen to make something like catfish tikka, but I didn’t really have anyone to test on and—”

  “I’m sure it will be fine,” Sanj said. He laughed, and a part of Rex melted then, watching Sanjay’s face wrinkle with humor. “It’s definitely the most anyone’s ever done for me for a third date.”

  A pang of fear worked its way into Rex’s gut. Had he tried too hard? Yes, maybe the private low orbital shuttle to whisk Sanjay from his home in Metro City all the way to the islands where Rex’s fortress was situated might have been a bit much. But it had been so long since Rex had clicked with anyone, and their first two dates had gone so well. Audrey had been so right about the dating site. Not that she ever let Rex forget about it.

  Steaming plates were set down in front of them, and Rex watched as Sanjay inhaled and smiled. Rex let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

  “Smells delicious,” Sanj said. “Really, you shouldn’t have gone to the trouble.”

  “It was no trouble,” Rex said, perhaps a bit too quickly. But it hadn’t been. Just a matter of importing the content of about a thousand different regional cookbooks into his base’s main computer and aggregating that with what he knew about Sanjay’s family and history and letting Audrey figure out the rest.

  “Well, thank you for dinner,” Sanj said.

  For a while they ate in silence, and Rex relished every hum of pleasure that slipped from Sanjay as he ate. The accumulated worry of the last week slowly began to recede, and Rex allowed himself to relax.

  “Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask,” Sanj said.

  Rex smiled, leaned forward in his chair. Whatever the question was, Rex was eager to know.

  “Are you doing anything for Christmas?” Sanj asked.

  It was like dumping a bucket of ice water over Rex’s lap. He jerked back and tried to hide the sudden movement as having to bring his napkin to his face.

  “Christmas?” he asked, hoping his voice didn’t betray his fear. Christmas. Why was it always Christmas?

  “Yeah, you know, the biggest holiday of the year?” Sanjay said, and he laughed again.

  Only this time Rex took no pleasure in it. He forced a smile.

  “I was hoping that you didn’t have plans, which is why I’m asking now,” Sanj said. “I know it’s just after Thanksgiving, but my work is doing this huge party thing, and it’s always weird for me because people assume that I don’t… ‘believe’ in Christmas.” He made air quotes with his fingers. “Like anyone can live in this country and not have something to do with it. But I thought maybe, if you were available, having you along would spare me some of the more painful moments.”

  Rex realized he was staring. His throat was dry and his palms were sweating. He wanted to say something supportive but realized he had assumed the same thing: that maybe this year Christmas wouldn’t be such a big deal. He took a breath. It still wasn’t a big deal. Just a party, right? Nothing big. Just… just a work party. He could do that. He really didn’t want to screw this up.

  “I’d be honored to be your guest,” he said, and Sanjay’s smile was worth whatever stress it would cause, whatever twisting fear would gnaw at him until the day was come and gone.

  “Great,” Sanj said. “I can’t wait to see if you like your present.”

  The word hit like a hammer. Like thunder. Like doom. Present. Suddenly Rex was sure that he had something to do that day. Was it too late to schedule a root canal? Maybe try to destroy Pluto?

  And then the lights in the room shut off, replaced by flashes of red and the cry of an alarm. Rex did his best not to mouth the words “thank you.”

  “What’s that?” Sanjay asked, nearly yelling to be heard over the alarms.

  Rex stood quickly.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I’m guessing that’s Firebrand and Scream Queen here to destroy the device that will cause a massive earthquake, splitting California off from the rest of the country, unless the President grants me sovereignty of these islands and a hundred billion dollars.”

  “Oh,” Sanj said. “I’m sorry. Do you need me to go?”

  “I….” Rex wanted to say no, wanted to tell Sanj to stay so that they could talk, make plans. Maybe make out again for a little while. Thinking of that first time, the stolen minutes beside the penguin exhibit at the zoo, their bodies practically steaming in the frigid November air…. “It would be safer. I’m so sorry. I wasn’t expecting them until later. The deadline’s not even until tomorrow, and you know heroes, always putting things off to the last minute.”

  Sanj stood and, to Rex’s immense relief, didn’t look upset at all. “I’ll send you the details about the party,” he said. They kissed, and Rex motioned for one of the servers. The robot sped over.

  “See Sanjay back to his shuttle,” Rex said. And without waiting for an answer, he switched back on his connection to Audrey. Information flooded his mind as he waved at Sanjay’s receding figure.

  Well, you took your time, Audrey said.

  Rex suppressed a sigh. She had been eager to ride along on the date, to see what all the excitement was about, to “vet” Sanjay to make sure he was acceptable. But the last thing Rex wanted was his AI assistant listening in on his more intimate conversations, criticizing his technique in his head. Not that he had actually gotten to do anything really intimate—he pushed the thought away quickly, shifting his attention to the situation at hand.

  “What’s going on with the Quakenator?” he asked.

  There was a pause he knew was because Audrey hated the name.

  I’d say it’s got about ten minutes before Firebrand and Scream Queen cut through the last of your defenses and blow it up. Which is strange, because there’s still about twenty hours on the countdown.

  “I know,” Rex said, shaking his head. “Superheroes. Where’s the susp
ense? The imminent threat? Next they’ll be defusing bombs before the timer gets to under five seconds.”

  Perhaps you should write a complaint to the Alliance of Superheroes?

  “Perhaps I should,” he said. Seriously, superheroes these days.

  REX ABSENTLY kicked a piece of what used to be the Quakenator. It was a ridiculous name, anyway, though he’d like to see anyone come up with a better one without recycling something some other villain had come up with. And no way was he going to deal with anyone in the community claiming he was stealing their ideas.

  On the plus side, at least your date seems to have gone well, Audrey chimed in his head.

  The neural interface that linked them allowed him to see that Sanjay was safely home again and had agreed on a rain check on their date for the day after tomorrow.

  “I guess,” he said, unable to suppress the tendril of fear from circling his imagination. Christmas. Images flooded him—a half-dozen other Christmases, a half-dozen other faces lit up with anticipation as they pulled away the wrapping paper. Girlfriends, boyfriends, all stuck in that moment when the paper fell away and they saw what he had gotten them and….

  “He wants me to go with him to a Christmas party,” Rex said, aloud because there was no one to see him there anyway, just the robots swirling around him, cleaning up the mess Firebrand and Scream Queen had left. He wondered if they even realized how much time and energy it took building the machine they so casually destroyed. He sighed and kicked the bit of metal a little farther. Probably not. Superheroes. In his mind it sounded like a curse.

  But that’s a good thing, right? Audrey asked. He must think it’s going somewhere if he wants to spend Christmas with you.

  “Perhaps you’ve missed every Christmas I’ve spent with a partner, like, ever,” he said, and there was a silence on the other side of the interface. Of course she remembered. She could see his thoughts, his memories. The way he could still feel the embarrassment, the pain at every time he stood there with a gift in his hands and was met with… well, it was hardly the melting embrace he hoped for.

  I still think that the IntelliGreen-2000 was a thoughtful gift, Audrey said.

  So had he. Veronica had been a botanist and the ray gun had been able to give plants affected by it full sentience for a short period of time. And okay, yes, all they seemed to do was scream when they awakened, their psychic screeches enough to cause recurring nightmares. But the gun didn’t give the plants mouths, so how else was he supposed to make communication possible? Needless to say, she had dumped him the day after she was released from the hospital.

  And I really thought Chad would have appreciated that you got Gorillord to show up for his daughter’s birthday party.

  “He was her favorite villain,” Rex said, not fully able to keep the emotion from his voice. Little Gracie had the misfortune of her birthday falling on the largest gift-giving holiday of the year, and all Chad said he wanted was for her tenth birthday to be special. “Seriously, you’d think he’d get over the mess and the smell and just remember how excited she was. Like it was my fault that Gorillord got his two chocolate labs to start a local pet union to demand more walks and wet food at least twice a week.”

  People often undervalue the mental and emotional work that pets do, Audrey said.

  Rex put his head in his hands. The truth—the unavoidable and damning truth—was that he was just awful at picking out Christmas presents. Every time he tried, every time he thought he might have the perfect idea, it turned out to be a disaster.

  “But I really like Sanjay,” he said. It felt odd to say it aloud, like it was some plea to the universe to just… let this one work. Yes, occasionally he tried to blackmail world governments or blot out the sun itself, but didn’t he deserve love too? Didn’t he deserve to actually have a relationship last to the New Year?

  Then I guess you’ll have think of a good gift idea, Audrey said. I can help, of course. I have over three trillion gift ideas stored in my databanks. I’m sure one of them will be perfect.

  Rex squinted. Yes, he could spend the next month debating what to get and then finally decide only to have it blow up in his face. Or….

  “No,” he said. “No gifts this year.”

  But how can you get through Christmas without gifts? Audrey asked.

  A smile slowly unfolded on Rex’s face.

  “I won’t need to get through it,” he said, “because this year I’m going to destroy Christmas before it happens!”

  METRO CITY had three major tree lots, and Rex’s nanobots were already gathering in each. He walked between the rows of spruce and fir as Sanjay frowned at tree after tree.

  “I’m sorry about this,” Sanj said for probably the tenth time since they arrived.

  “It’s quite all right,” Rex said, though a part of him was distracted by the neural interface, by Audrey’s status updates.

  The programming is set, and projections are mostly positive, Audrey said.

  “I mean, it’s not really fair to assume that just because you’re, well….” Sanj gave an awkward smile and looked away a moment, then turned back. “But it is true that no one at work has a car big enough to haul a tree to the office, and delivery fees this time of year are… outrageous.”

  “It’s my pleasure, really,” Rex said, glad he didn’t have to admit that half the pleasure was knowing that once his nanobots went into action, Christmas as people knew it would be over. At least for this year.

  He’d quickly whipped up a targeting program and protocol to get them to deconstruct all Christmas trees. Real or fake, the nanobots would seek them out and take them apart at a molecular level. And without Christmas trees, where would people put their gifts? Where would they hang their ornaments or candy canes? Without the trees it would all fall apart, a surgical strike to incapacitate Christmas and get Rex out of any holiday obligations. It was perfect.

  I still say we should have tested your protocols before deployment, Audrey said.

  It wasn’t that Rex disagreed, but he was running on hardly any sleep and he wanted it to be today. Sanjay inviting him along to pick out the company tree was just too good an opportunity to pass up.

  “Is there something in particular you’re looking for?” Rex asked.

  “I’m not sure,” Sanj said, running a hand through the soft needles of a fir. “I guess I just want it to be… right.” He looked away again. “That probably sounds stupid.”

  “No,” Rex said. A frown pulled down the sides of his mouth. Was he doing the right thing with this? “I just don’t know why it’s such a big deal. It’s just an office Christmas party.”

  Sanj laughed. “I forget that you’ve never really worked in an office,” he said. “But it’s… I’m not even sure that anyone likes it. Everyone drinks too much except the people who don’t like drinking and take pictures to remind people of how stupid they were acting for the next year. There’s terrible cookies and a tray of cheese and crackers and….”

  “You’re not exactly selling it,” Rex said. It sounded like a nightmare, a torment of fake smiles and repressed frustration.

  “But it’s also that feeling,” Sanj said. “Of Christmas. Of childhood and presents and magic and wonder. That must be why people get so upset about it. They remember the Christmases when they were young and it was all about them, and then they see where they are now and… well….”

  Rex had a sudden vision of his own childhood. Christmas in the castle had always been a grand affair, decorations hung from every window and sconce. And Rathfeld, the butler, standing next to a tree that seemed to take up the entire great room, stoic face betraying just the hint of a smile. And the gifts. His mothers always got him the best gifts. There was the year of the Super Magnet that he used to erase the data on all the computers at his boarding school. He recalled his mothers smiling. And the year of the Freeze Ray he had used to turn the pool into a block of ice to get out of swimming lessons.

  The nanobots are present in sufficient qu
antity to deploy, Audrey said, snapping Rex out of his reveries.

  “Do you have fond Christmas memories, then?” Rex asked.

  “I’ll tell you sometime when I’m much less sober than I am now,” Sanj said, and they both laughed, leaning against each other, faces close, breath hot in the chill air.

  Deploy, Rex thought as he leaned farther forward, his lips finding Sanjay’s, his eyes closing.

  Deployment commencing, Audrey said, but Rex was hardly paying attention. Much more urgent was the tongue slipping into his mouth, the hand resting on his hip, the sudden painful heat that seared its way through his entire body.

  I’m detecting a deviation from protocol, Audrey said. It pulled at the corner of Rex’s mind, but he didn’t stop, didn’t want to stop the way Sanjay’s hands had moved around to his back, to his ass. There was a gasp from nearby, and Rex felt a swell of worry. They were in public, after all, and as much as he wanted this to continue, he knew they couldn’t… not here.

  He broke the kiss, pulling back and—and what the fuck?

  I’m detecting a deviation from protocol, Audrey said.

  Rex blinked. She wasn’t kidding. The entire tree lot was lit up. Not with rapidly disintegrating Christmas trees, though. He realized that the gasp had nothing to do with him and Sanjay making out among the trees. No, it was at the brilliant light displays going on in each and every tree present. Somehow the nanobots were….

  Instead of deconstructing the trees at a prodigious rate, as intended, the nanobots seem to be slowly eating the organic material and transforming the power into luminescence.

  They were glowing. The entire lot was glowing with hundreds of millions of nanobots flickering like fireflies on the branches, among the needles. Rex stared, saw everyone around him doing the same. It was… magical.

  “But… how?” Rex whispered. There was no way that his protocols could have been that far off. They were devouring the trees, yes, but would they complete their job in time?