How the Supervillain Stole Christmas Read online

  According to my calculations, the trees will be completely digested about a week after Christmas, leaving no waste or mess. The bots seem to be programmed to self-destruct at the stroke of midnight, giving off small puffs of light.

  Fireworks for New Years. Great.

  And I’m getting an incoming message from Tech Knight. Ey says, “I fixed your little nanobots for you. No need to thank me.”

  Tech Knight. Figured. Of course Metro City’s resident supernerd would stick their nose into his plans. Rex turned to Sanjay, saw the smile spread across his face.

  “It’s… perfect,” Sanj said.

  Rex sighed, shook his head, and wrapped his arms around Sanjay again. It was beautiful, Rex had to admit, and it did mean that no one was paying any attention as Rex leaned back in for another kiss.

  SO THE nanobots had been a bad idea. Not just because they had failed. No, because it was too small. Rex tilted his head and motioned for one of his robots to finish securing the casing on his newest device. The outdoor workshop was in better shape than the one inside, and he enjoyed the smell of the air and the feeling that, maybe, he was finally on the cusp of victory over Christmas.

  The Alliance isn’t going to be happy that you’re breaking the Wraithicorn Accords, Audrey said.

  Rex rolled his eyes. “First, I never signed the Accords,” he said. “Just because the Alliance doesn’t recognize my sovereign status doesn’t mean that I should be bound by the actions and decisions of a government I don’t want anything to do with. Besides, this is hardly mental manipulation on the scale of the Wraithicorns.”

  I have a feeling that the Alliance would disagree, Audrey said as the robots set to work flash painting the device a hot purple.

  “Well, I don’t care,” he said. “The tree thing obviously didn’t work out, and if I’m going to stop Christmas from coming, I have to think… bigger. But it’s not like I’m trying to influence how people vote or get them to buy a product that’s harmful for them or, I guess, making the children of the world think that it’s a good idea to accompany the nightmare-unicorns that showed up out of the sky to their dimension of sugar plums and slave labor.”

  Those Wraithicorns really ruined things for everyone.

  “I know,” Rex said, throwing up his hands. The robots put the last neon orange highlights on the device and backed away. Rex nodded. It was ready except for the name.

  How about the Unmerrimentamator?

  “Too complex,” he said.

  The Spirit of Christmas-Never?

  Rex pursed his lips and squinted. It needed something that popped. Simple but appropriate.

  “How about… the Humbugatron?”

  Well….

  “What?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s a great name. It captures what it does, which is sap the Christmas spirit from the minds of every person on the Earth.”

  There’s something that—

  “And I like that it has the ‘bug’ part because it evokes an… infestation,” he said. “Like termites in an old house, my Humbugatron will burrow into people’s minds and turn their jolliness into gloom.”

  You really need to—

  “You’re just being negative because I didn’t like your ideas,” Rex said. “But I’ll let you name our next mind-control device.”

  “Better call it Twenty-to-Life, Dr. Devious!” The voice was booming and instantly recognizable.

  Sorry, Audrey said, I was trying to tell you that—

  “Jaq Frost!” Rex said, pointing dramatically at the woman floating above him, the air around her a roil of steam and fog. Temperature manipulation was her game, with a heavy emphasis on cold. She had fine enough control to be able to fly as well as create spears of ice and frost armor.

  “Whatever you’re planning, I’d suggest you forget about it,” she said.

  Internal defenses are still only at 80 percent after the mess Firebrand and Scream Queen left. I’m mobilizing an armed response, but it’s three minutes out.

  “And why do you think I’m planning anything?” Rex asked. Really, he’d tried to be as discreet as possible this time, not even leaving any cryptic threats or veiled clues to be followed to his doorstep. This was something that didn’t even involve capes, for once, and he had hoped to avoid any complications.

  “Maybe it’s because you’ve been busy lately,” Jaq said. “Tech Knight told me about the nanobots. After that Ey’s been watching you and just happened to notice that you ordered a mentatrix dominator from… less than legal channels. You know those are outlawed under the Wraithicorn Accords, right?”

  Rex gritted his teeth. He knew ordering parts online had been a bad idea. But he was short of time and building a mentatrix dominator wasn’t like rigging up a death ray—it couldn’t be rushed.

  Activate the Humbugatron, Rex thought.

  “Well, you’re too late, hero,” he said, hoping his bluff would give him enough time for the cavalry to arrive.

  The machine hummed with life and power, and Jaq turned at the sudden activation. Rex took the opportunity to rush to his work table, where a half-dozen contraptions sat in various states of completeness. Lava gun? Probably useful but not done enough—he’d probably just end up burning himself. Mute-maker? Jaq’s powers didn’t require her to speak, so not helpful. His eyes widened as he saw the Sneezematic 2.0. Perfect. She could hardly freeze him if she was doubled over with uncontrolled sneezing.

  He reached for the device, only to feel tendrils of cold snake up his arm. He pulled back just in time to avoid being frozen to the table as it was suddenly encased in ice. Well, it was a thought, at least.

  Response incoming!

  And then the world was filled with the sounds of ice on metal and the boom of explosions and snow boulders.

  “YOU SHOULD just tell him how you feel,” Jaq said, sipping from a daiquiri one of the remaining robots had brought her.

  “That’s… not a good idea,” Rex said.

  In his mind, Audrey was running down a tally of the damages. It would take some time to melt the ice surrounding the Humbugatron, and the cold had certainly damaged the more delicate components. Instead of transmitting a signal that would make people hate Christmas, it seemed to be doing the complete opposite, broadcasting love and charity, and maybe that explained why he and Jaq Frost were sitting in the middle of the destruction that used to be his outdoor workshop with fruity drinks.

  “But have you tried just telling any of your romantic partners the truth?” Jaq asked.

  “Not as such,” he said. “But that doesn’t mean it would work. It’s Christmas. Even if they pretended to understand, they’d be disappointed that I couldn’t pick them out a decent present.”

  “Well, then, can’t you just get them something… simple?” she asked.

  “But what’s simple? I tried giving a boyfriend a Canadian province once. State? Are they called states?” He took another sip from his drink, feeling the battling cold of the ice and the heat of the alcohol course through him. “Anyway, I thought that was pretty straightforward, but he got really weird about it.”

  “Yeah, maybe think smaller than… land you stole from a foreign government,” she said.

  “See? I suck at this,” he said, deflating.

  “No, no, you just need to think on it,” Jaq said. “When I’m trying to find something for Eye Sore, I try to think of gifts that remind her of things we’ve done together. Like art from this gallery that we saved from Gigaclops. Or these little figurines that remind us of Puppet Princess’s Deathlings. That was our first team-up, taking down Puppet Princess, so it holds a special meaning for us.”

  “Where is Eye Sore?” Rex asked. He hadn’t wanted to be rude, but it was strange to see the two out fighting crime separately these days. And it got the focus away from him and Sanjay. Gifts that would remind them of what they’ve done together? They’d only been dating for a little over a month, and the biggest thing they had done was go to the Metro City Zoo on their
second date, where they had stood by the penguin exhibit and talked for hours.

  “Oh, she’s on her yearly astral pilgrimage to renew her contract with Eyegorra to be the Avatar of Blinding Sight,” Jaq said, taking another sip from her drink. “No big deal, really, but strictly a Chosen One sort of thing, so I figured I’d take on this assignment to blow off some steam.”

  “Wait, you mean she got the whole….” He motioned vaguely at his head—part of Eye Sore’s thing was that her entire head was a giant, unblinking eyeball. That could shoot laser blasts. “…that wasn’t some sort of industrial accident?”

  “No, and don’t be judgy,” Jaq said, the hint of a warning in her voice. “I happen to like her eye. It’s beautiful.”

  “Yeah, but—”

  “Just don’t,” she said, and set the drink down. “Besides, this isn’t about us. This is about you. You really need to cut it out with this whole destroying-Christmas business.”

  Rex rolled his eyes. “And where would the fun of that be?” he asked. So what if he’d failed twice to rid himself of the pesky holiday? So what if both of his attempts had actually made things worse—more magical, jollier? The strength of a supervillain came from not giving up, no matter how many times a hero came around and ruined everything.

  “Yeah, okay,” Jaq said, “but if you really care about this Sanjay guy, then you owe him the truth. Otherwise, even if you succeed, even if you wreck Christmas and don’t have to pick a gift and you two end up staying together for a long, long time, your relationship will still be built on a deception. And that’s no way to love.”

  Rex frowned. Superheroes. Always shoving their noses where they weren’t wanted. Always blowing up his destructo-cannons or defusing his phantom splodatrons. Always… but did she have a point?

  “Anyway,” Jaq said, rising from her chair, “it’s up to you. I’d say you’ll know what’s right but, well, supervillain and all. So whatever you do, there’s probably going to be one of us waiting to kick your butt. You could save us all some trouble, though, if you just left Christmas alone. We’ve got plans too, you know?”

  Without waiting for a reply, the air around her began to swirl with frost and steam and fog, and a moment later she was lifting into the air. Rex made no move to stop her. What would be the point? She was right, after all. Any attempt to destroy Christmas now would just be met with some hero thwarting him.

  Does this mean I should start compiling a list of potential gifts? Audrey asked.

  Rex sighed. “No,” he said. Maybe he couldn’t destroy Christmas for good, but he couldn’t just give up because of a speech made by some do-gooder. No, he’d be laughed out of the Eternal Order of Supervillains. He had to try one more thing.

  Your orders, then? Audrey asked. You’re quickly running out of not-destroyed labs.

  “When’s my next date with Sanjay?” he asked. With all the preparations and battles, he had forgotten.

  Three days from now, Audrey said. Exactly a week before Christmas.

  Rex nodded. Just enough time, then.

  “Get the underwater lab ready,” he said, “and raid storage for as much chronostium as you can find.”

  He took another sip of his daiquiri. Time might be running out to stop Christmas from coming, but maybe time was the key to getting exactly what he wanted. He chuckled, slow at first, but rising until his laugh echoed up and away from his ruined lab, into the chill air of December.

  SANJAY GAVE the room a somewhat skeptical frown as he stepped inside.

  “Is… there something wrong with your normal dining room?” he asked.

  “Covered in lava at the moment, I’m afraid,” Rex said, quickly adding, “on purpose, of course. Every six months or so I flood it to kill off any sentient molds that might migrate from the lower levels. I built this compound atop one of the entrances to the Innerworld, after all, and it pays to be careful.”

  Sanjay nodded and sat at the small table Rex had set up. It wasn’t even a lie, really. It was just that this wasn’t his normal time to have a lava cleanse. That was in another two weeks, at the start of the new year, but he wanted some excuse to have dinner somewhere new.

  “It’s… cozy,” Sanj said, and Rex couldn’t help but smile. It was small. Cramped, even, with barely enough room for the table, chairs, and them. But on such short notice it was as much as he could do.

  “I hope the food and the company make up for the accommodations,” Rex said, earning a laugh from Sanjay.

  “It’s great, really,” he said, reaching out and taking Rex’s hand with his own. “I’m just glad to get away from the city right now. And spend time with you, of course. Been up to anything interesting lately?”

  Rex didn’t really like lying, but he wasn’t about to admit that he had spent the last few days feverishly working on the room they were sitting in. The device they were sitting in. Jaq, despite being an annoying do-gooder, did have a point when she said that if he tried to actually destroy Christmas it would just invite some bumbling hero to stop him. But if he kept his ambitions more… grounded, then they wouldn’t even know what he had done. He was careful this time. No ordering parts, no conference calls with other villains to brainstorm more efficient ways to warp space-time. He hadn’t even given the room any elaborately purple decorations. He had been, he congratulated himself, very discreet.

  “Just working on a new project,” Rex said. A robot zipped in, further crowding the small room, with two plates. Their salad course. “And how are the Christmas preparations coming?”

  Sanj brightened visibly. “Great!” he said. “Everyone has been really getting into the spirit this year. Which normally I find a bit annoying, to be honest, but it’s hard to argue with such an outpouring of volunteers and support across the city. Across the country, if the news is to be believed. Food banks are full, and even the normally awful Metro City government has been passing new ordinances and laws about homeless rights, rent protections, and assistance programs for the unemployed and underemployed.”

  Rex nodded, nearly wanting to add that the least people could do was give him a little credit. True, he supposed, he had intended to do the complete opposite, but it was still his malfunctioning Humbugatron that seemed to be contributing to the sudden rash of decency spreading through this quarter of the globe. Probably if he explained, though, everyone would give Jaq the credit. Superheroes.

  “Do you ever wish you could just… skip Christmas?” Rex asked, hoping the transition wasn’t too jarring, but he couldn’t hold in the question any longer. In his mind Audrey was giving her last all-clear on the readiness of the room. At his word they could….

  Sanjay laughed. “Some days that sounds amazing,” he said.

  Hope bloomed in Rex’s chest.

  “Especially trying to buy anything after Thanksgiving,” Sanj said. “And having to listen to the music everywhere. Christmas music is the worst.”

  Rex couldn’t help but beam. Each word from Sanjay’s lips was an affirmation, a lifeline. He nearly gave Audrey the go-ahead right then but wanted to listen more, to bask in knowing that here was a man who got it. It was a relief… and slightly arousing.

  “But skip it?” Sanjay asked.

  Rex’s breath caught in his throat as Sanjay seemed to consider the question.

  “You know, I think last year I would have been all for it,” Sanjay said at last. He looked across the small table, directly at Rex.

  Their eyes met, and Rex felt himself flush, warmth spreading through him, out from his core and into his face, his limbs, even the tips of his fingers.

  “But this year I have a very good reason for wanting to enjoy every minute,” Sanj said.

  Rex’s mouth was dry. He let out a breath he hadn’t been aware he’d been holding. He could feel his eyes watering and, before he was a weeping mess, looked away and cleared his throat. Damn. He… he couldn’t….

  Mission abort, he thought. There was no way he could go forward now. Audrey acknowledged.

&nbsp
; Rex looked back up, wiped a finger across his eye as if brushing away a lash or something, and smiled.

  “And you?” Sanjay asked. “Do you wish you could just close your eyes and when you opened them again it would already be next year?”

  Rex barked a single laugh before he caught himself. That had been the plan, he thought. A flick of a switch and the room they were in would be accelerated through time. Over the course of a meal, meticulously timed to sync with their accelerated time travel, the world outside would celebrate and forget about Christmas for another year. Rex had already used Audrey to alter company records to give Sanjay time off to cover his absence. But now? Now their next course wouldn’t even be ready for another five days.

  “I…,” Rex said, ready to lie, to say he didn’t mind the holiday. As he thought about it, though, he realized—it wasn’t a lie.

  Sure, he was down two labs and tons of hours of experimentation and preparation. But he was a supervillain. Experimenting and preparing were two of his most favorite things. And despite the fear still gnawing at him, despite the white-hot panic when he thought about picking out a gift, Rex was actually having fun this year. He normally sulked all through the season. But he felt more inspired this year. More alive. And it was because of Sanjay. Because sitting across from him at a table was someone he cared about. Someone he wanted to be with. Someone who made Christmas seem not-so-crappy.

  “I don’t think so,” he said. Honestly, for all it surprised him. He leaned forward, over the small table. “Not with you to spend it with.”

  Sanj smiled and closed the distance between them, and their lips met in a slow collision.

  The warmth from before intensified, and Rex hummed his appreciation deep in his throat. He wished the moment could last forever, that they never had to break that kiss.

  Initiating time slow, Audrey said in his mind.

  And the kiss went on, and Rex knew that when they left the room it would seem like almost no time had passed. He smiled against Sanjay’s lips. Perfect. The kiss continued, hands brushing shoulders, cheeks, anywhere they could reach. And the universe seemed to stand still, giving them this one moment without comment or complication.